questioning everything

I love mountains. I like to climb mountains. I just like the sound of my mind and breath while pushing myself to climb to the top. I like the fact that if i just put one foot in front of the other while staring at the nearby ground, carrying perseverance on my back will get me to view my path and the area down there.

too bad. i cant do that anymore.

when i was in junior high. climbing manglayang mountain was something usual. taekwondo smp5 team used to do the ritual of “pengukuhan” when we passed our test to be a higher holder of the belt. for example, if i were a white belt holder, then i passed the test so that i can be a yellow belt holder..i will have to go through the “pengukuhan” ritual.

in high school i was not active in taekwondo anymore. i was still interested in doing physical activity, but i tried various extracurricular activities more in art category. and those made me kinda busy..even though i really want to try nature lover basic training. its called “pecinta alam” the people who climb mountains and do those kind of outdoor activities. but i cant do the time. and to be honest i was scared of the rumored pushups that people had to do in training. i really suck and hate pushups.

here comes university life. i am occupied with organizational life. less art extracurricular activity.. i only joined saman dance community. i was preoccupied for organizational thingy, even until recently. but in university my desire to climb was escalating over the years. the obstacle..there was no one to accompany with. even though there was this person who invited me to climb..but his invitation was too late and i was gonna be the only woman. im never gonna get my dad’s approval if this was the way.
plans with people passes me. either i cant or people cancelled on me. i was really sad. its been years since i wanted to climb :(

i forced this guy, didin, to accompany me. no matter what. i gotta climb someday. but then he forced me to run 5 rounds of my campus. hell no. im not gonna do that. i just hate that run. awful memory that i will never relive. its not that i dont wanna run, but just not there. but he seemed doesnt get it. so there goes my last hope to climb.

and then after lots of thought i decided to participate in “pecinta alam” basic training. either its wanadri or unpad. its my last year anyway. i am already retired from any committee. so i gathered informations from those pecinta alam clubs i talked to my uncle who climbs and he supports me 100%. i was happy~ i cant wait~ even though its gonna be so hard. i’ll endure it! i was fiery!

on new year.. i told my dad about my intention to join those pecinta alam. and he instantly said no even before i finished my whole sentence. he reminded me that i had back injury and so i cant do those things.

i was so bummed. sad. the pain was all coming back to me.

in the third year of senior high school. i had a horrible pain. it made me cried at nights. it was my back. at first it was just small pain when i bend over. but then it was painful in almost every movement using my back and even painful just to sit still or lay still.
the 5th and or 6th vertebrae of my back bones was “bergeser” i forgot the english term. so these bones “menjepit” my nerves that causes pain.

i went to various doctors. and no one can cured me. they gave me painkillers that i despise. im sick of painkillers. i dont want those drugs, i want to be cured. i cant stand the pain, especially at night when i was supposed to study for my entrance to university exam or snmptn. it stressed me out that i got lagged behind in my study.

so i tried to go to other kind of doctor. he used poking method with a small long piece of metal. he poked all part of my back. and it is very painful. i cried my eyes out plus screaming in every session. i hate every painful second of it. but i have to endure it for my well being. after couple of sessions. its done. i dont have to be poked by something like a watch needle and screamed the bloody hell out of me. and i dont have to cry at nights anymore.

that back pain tortures me mentally and physically. it horrifies me if i imagined myself in that state anymore. i hate it. and the thing that makes me hate it even more is that i cant do heavy exercises and activities.

the pain went away but sometimes kicks in until now. but not that bad and not that often.

now that freaking back pain cost me my mountain climbing. oh God.