questioning everything

Back then, Pandas were all white big bears. Once upon a time the Panda and the Leopard was fighting in the woods. A little Chinese girl walked by the wood and saw the fight. With her temerity, she grabbed a bamboo stick and poked the Leopard mercilessly. Of course Leopard suffer no harm from this attack, but it succeeded to stole the Leopard’s attention. The Leopard attacked the girl and killed the girl.

When the funeral of the death of little Chinese girl was held, all the Pandas came to mourn. The Pandas coat their feet with ashes and they wore black bands on their heads, as a form of honoring and grievance of the death of the girl. The Pandas cried and cried. But when they wiped their tears, the black ink from the band caught in their hands and then it got to their eyes. The Panda got black hands and black eyes. The Pandas cried and cried. They hug each other to ease their sadness, but then their hands were blacken from the ink, now that ink smeared all over their hug-partner’s back. The Pandas cried and cried. But they cant stand to heard the weep of grievance anymore, so they cover their ears with their blacken hands. That’s how Pandas got blacks on their body.

I like this story. I don’t know why. Panda is fluffy, cute and active. and in China they become the symbol of peace :)

Pardon me if i have a mistake on the story, I couldn’t fully remember. I read this story was on the wall of the Panda zone, when I visit Chiang Mai Zoo November 2011. This zoo is the only zoo who has panda in Thailand. The Pandas were the gift from China as the symbol of Thailand and China friendship.

Akhir-akhir ini saya melihat banyak teman-teman saya kesana kemari, ke negara ini dan itu melakukan ini dan itu. Pengen rasanya. Ada teman saya yang sudah jalan-jalan ke Eropa terus langsung sambung Korea. Ada yang ke Skotlandia, ada yang Turki. Panas ya hati ini rasanya, ingin gitu rasanya.

Saya kadang merasa dengan kepergian saya satu semester dan hidup sendiri di negara lain kemarin rasanya itu sudah cukup. sudah. Tapi kemudian saya membalikkan lagi argumen saya, “tong emangnya kamu udah puas? segitu doang? cepet puas ya. padahal orang kesana kemari melakukan sesuatu untuk dunia dan perubahan, kamu ngapain? kebanjiran ya di luar negeri? bukannya kamu juga pengen melakukan perubahan untuk dunia? and you’re just sitting here?” kemudian saya mencari-cari program lagi kesana kemari. menyemangati diri sendiri,

saya ingat sekali ketika dulu sebelum saya berangkat exchange saya akan kejar kemanapun program apapun yang bisa saya ikuti dengan semangat menggebu dan tanpa lelah, seminim apapun harapannya. itu berlangsung lebih dari satu tahun rasanya saya begitu. entah sudah berapa kali dosen wali saya saya mintai surat rekomendasi. rasanya program one semester exchange scholarship saya ini adalah sebuah finish line dari marathon.

program ke luar negeri sebagus-bagusnya dapat scholarship mau tidak mau tetap harus ngeluarin uang sendiri. walaupun kata teman saya “uang mah bisa dicari nanti” tetapi mau tidak mau butuh uang sendiri. Itu yang membuat saya enggan untuk mengikuti program lain lagi, karena saya tidak mau mengeluarkan uang lagi. bukan tidak mau juga, tidak ada uang yang bisa saya keluarkan. saya tidak mau menggunakan uang orangtua saya. ketika saya exchange alhamdulillah saya dapat sponsor, namun menyebarkan proposal untuk sponsor adalah hal yang sangat melelahkan menurut saya dan amat tidak pasti.

belum lagi saya menyadari bahwa bahkan saya tidak mendapat bantuan dana dari dikti padahal saya wakil indonesia untuk asean, dan ketika saya lihat list bantuan dari dikti tersebut jatuh ke mahasiswa-mahasiswa lain yang pergi untuk conference sesuatu yang saya tidak tahu. ternyata banyak dan semakin banyak konferensi-konferensi di luar negeri seperti itu yang bisa diikuti, makinlah saya merasa semakin minim kans untuk mendapat bantuan dengan mengajukan proposal.

saya berpikir, “tong, where’s your effort and passion? biasanya juga hal-hal seperti ini tidak menyurutkan semangat kamu. ingat apa janji kamu waktu setelah travelling sendirian ke chiang mai dan baca artiket itu? travelling lah selagi masih muda. yes. dan kamu berjanji mau kan? ini kesempatan kamu! ayo dong! jangan malu-maluin diri sendiri dengan semangat melempem!”

malam ini, saya sedang semangat mencari-cari. namun terus saya berpapasan sama beberapa program di web dan di email. ada initiative of change, global changemakers, dll. ketika saya melihat mereka-mereka ini melakukan perubahan untuk dunia di ranah global. global men, wow. like i want to do!

“ah mau ah!” itu pikiran saya. namun saya terhenti saya persyaratan yang katanya kita harus anggota NGO ato punya proyek untuk komunitas lokal atau lebih tinggi. dan saya berpikir.. “what have you done, tong? nothing. masa sih ga ada? untuk lokal? iya, ga ada.” here i am wanting to change the world yet ive done nothing for the nearest people, let alone in this world. saya merasa sangat bodoh, malu dan ingin rasanya menertawakan diri sendiri.

ada kok proyek-proyek yang bisa dilakukan disini, dan banyak membantu. namun malah belum kelar dan terbengkalai, saya malah sibuk geje celingak celinguk kiri-kanan.

dan sejujurnya saya ingin program ke luar itu memang ingin program exchange yang lama, karena saya ingin pengalamannya. saya ingin mencoba hidup dengan budaya lain dalam jangka waktu cukup lama. kalau konferensi pendek gitu kurang berasa dan lebih ke jalan-jalan. buat saya jalan-jalan itu tidak boleh maksa. kalau dengan status saya pelajar ini dan saya ingin jalan-jalan ke luar negeri itu namanya maksa. travelling simply pleasure.

konferensi dan sejenisnya apapun itu sebagai alibi untuk jalan-jalan buat saya, ga laku. “busuk, tong. busuk.” ga baik. hati nurani saya ga mengizinkan saya, ga tenang rasanya. ga tenang rasanya maksain kesenangan saya pribadi tapi menyusahkan orangtua saya. saya berjanji untuk travelling di masa muda saya, saya akan menabung gaji saya nanti ketika sudah kerja dan berusaha keras untuk menyisihkan waktu untuk travelling. walaupun itu nanti sendirian travellingnya, ga masalah, ive done that, and im fine with that.

saya akan melakukan perubahan di lokal saja dulu dengan orang-orang dekat disini. seperti prinsip dari keluarga saya, “bantulah dulu saudara dan keluarga yang dekat, baru yang jauh.” kalau yang dekat masih ada yang butuh bantuan, bantu dulu yang dekat lah, jangan bantu yang jauh tapi yang dekat engga. saya harus bisa melaksanakan proyek mekarmukti bermimpi saya! dan jika ingin mengembangkan skill saya, bisa juga mengembangkan diri disini, ya, Tong. fokusin apa goalnya dan hajar head-on! gausa banyak-banyak, ditambah-tambahin, tapi terus jadinya ga fokus gitu, tong.

ini sebenarnya bukan apa-apa. tidak ada maksud pamer atau apapun. cuman kadang-kadang mengeluarkan dialog, isi pikiran dari kepala itu enak. dalam proses menuliskan ini membantu saya merangkai dan mengurai benang kusut di kepala. ini sebenarnya cuma dialog saya sama diri sendiri :E

It is scary to do it alone indeed. But actually we are going through this life by ourselves, and in the end we are facing death alone anyway. It’s all in our own hands. HOSH!

i know its childish. actually i tried to supressed this thought. but no matter how my brain throwing logical arguments, my heart still feel sad. i cant bear it anymore.

i really think highly of birthday present. it symbolizes how much you value someone. no matter how late the birthday was, i always try to give birthday present to my dear friends and family.

but almost none from my dear friends. i am bummed. its not about how much is the present cost but about the thought. the last birthday i was far away. it shouldnt have stop someone to think of their dear friends, right? but apparently it does. apparently friendship is bound by geography.

its just sad how i remember my friends and give them presents but they dont.

i know its wrong to think and feel this way. but i cant help it. im sad. v.v

I love mountains. I like to climb mountains. I just like the sound of my mind and breath while pushing myself to climb to the top. I like the fact that if i just put one foot in front of the other while staring at the nearby ground, carrying perseverance on my back will get me to view my path and the area down there.

too bad. i cant do that anymore.

when i was in junior high. climbing manglayang mountain was something usual. taekwondo smp5 team used to do the ritual of “pengukuhan” when we passed our test to be a higher holder of the belt. for example, if i were a white belt holder, then i passed the test so that i can be a yellow belt holder..i will have to go through the “pengukuhan” ritual.

in high school i was not active in taekwondo anymore. i was still interested in doing physical activity, but i tried various extracurricular activities more in art category. and those made me kinda busy..even though i really want to try nature lover basic training. its called “pecinta alam” the people who climb mountains and do those kind of outdoor activities. but i cant do the time. and to be honest i was scared of the rumored pushups that people had to do in training. i really suck and hate pushups.

here comes university life. i am occupied with organizational life. less art extracurricular activity.. i only joined saman dance community. i was preoccupied for organizational thingy, even until recently. but in university my desire to climb was escalating over the years. the obstacle..there was no one to accompany with. even though there was this person who invited me to climb..but his invitation was too late and i was gonna be the only woman. im never gonna get my dad’s approval if this was the way.
plans with people passes me. either i cant or people cancelled on me. i was really sad. its been years since i wanted to climb :(

i forced this guy, didin, to accompany me. no matter what. i gotta climb someday. but then he forced me to run 5 rounds of my campus. hell no. im not gonna do that. i just hate that run. awful memory that i will never relive. its not that i dont wanna run, but just not there. but he seemed doesnt get it. so there goes my last hope to climb.

and then after lots of thought i decided to participate in “pecinta alam” basic training. either its wanadri or unpad. its my last year anyway. i am already retired from any committee. so i gathered informations from those pecinta alam clubs i talked to my uncle who climbs and he supports me 100%. i was happy~ i cant wait~ even though its gonna be so hard. i’ll endure it! i was fiery!

on new year.. i told my dad about my intention to join those pecinta alam. and he instantly said no even before i finished my whole sentence. he reminded me that i had back injury and so i cant do those things.

i was so bummed. sad. the pain was all coming back to me.

in the third year of senior high school. i had a horrible pain. it made me cried at nights. it was my back. at first it was just small pain when i bend over. but then it was painful in almost every movement using my back and even painful just to sit still or lay still.
the 5th and or 6th vertebrae of my back bones was “bergeser” i forgot the english term. so these bones “menjepit” my nerves that causes pain.

i went to various doctors. and no one can cured me. they gave me painkillers that i despise. im sick of painkillers. i dont want those drugs, i want to be cured. i cant stand the pain, especially at night when i was supposed to study for my entrance to university exam or snmptn. it stressed me out that i got lagged behind in my study.

so i tried to go to other kind of doctor. he used poking method with a small long piece of metal. he poked all part of my back. and it is very painful. i cried my eyes out plus screaming in every session. i hate every painful second of it. but i have to endure it for my well being. after couple of sessions. its done. i dont have to be poked by something like a watch needle and screamed the bloody hell out of me. and i dont have to cry at nights anymore.

that back pain tortures me mentally and physically. it horrifies me if i imagined myself in that state anymore. i hate it. and the thing that makes me hate it even more is that i cant do heavy exercises and activities.

the pain went away but sometimes kicks in until now. but not that bad and not that often.

now that freaking back pain cost me my mountain climbing. oh God.